Friday, February 22, 2013

God to Christian Mingle, "You Fucked Up."

A California man, Sean Banks, has been arrested after allegedly raping a woman he met on the popular dating site Banks used the screen name "Rarity," and apparently had other handles on the site. The unidentified woman was drawn to the site for obvious reasons, one being its slogan, "Find God's Match For You."

Alleged Rapist, Sean Banks
Upon hearing this news, God released this statement:

"I have no affiliation with Actually, I'm pretty fucking pissed off about the whole thing to begin with. To think that I'm up here fucking matchmaking a bunch of losers is absurd, and downright fraudulent on their part if you ask me. You think I don't have better shit to do than make sure fucking Bob from Sarasota finds his lifelong partner Jenny, from Marin. Fuck man, I'm dealing with, oh I don't know, fucking global warming, rapist priests (and I'm about to rain some shit on those motherfuckers), and that God damn blackout during the Super Bowl (that shit better not happen again). Now I gotta deal with these assholes from ChristianMingle."

God then directed his statement directly at ChristianMingle:

"You guys fucked up, not me!"

Ted Connely, a spokesperson from ChristianMingle, had this to say:

"Although there is a long history of rape and oppression in our religion, we, by no means, endorse this kind of behavior on our site. We will work diligently, with the help of God, to fix this situation. And who knows, maybe this is all just part of his master plan."

It will be interesting to see how the general public reacts to the comments made by ChristianMingle. Can they really find God's match for you?

Thursday, February 7, 2013

The Albert Pujols vs. Jose Bautista Keeper Dilemma

My long standing fantasy baseball league "The Hunt For October," should be starting up again this week (I'm hoping it's today). Last season was a great year for the Knaves (ME), in which they posted a 15-3-4 record (Best win % in our 6 year history), won the regular season, and became the first 2-time league champ (1st title came in our inaugural season). Now, the Knaves are looking to become the first back-to-back champ. However, they have a bit of a keeper dilemma.

The way our keeper system works is pretty simple. We base our rankings on Yahoo's "O-Rank." What's unique, though, is that we delay them one season. For example, in 2012, Albert Pujols was ranked as the #3 overall player in the game. Because he is ranked in the top 10, this means he has to be kept in the first round this season. In other words, you must keep the player based on the previous year's ranking. Pretty simple. Also, there are no limits to how long a player can be kept. 

So here is my dilemma. I have both Pujols and Bautista on my roster from last season. Both are 1st round keepers this year. I only have one 1st round pick. For the record, this is a 10 team, 5x5, using OPS instead of AVG.  

The case for Pujols.

For one thing, Pujols' consistency is unparalleled over the last 10+ seasons. In his career (12 seasons), he has never hit fewer than 30 HR, he has had fewer than 100 RBI once (99 last year), he has had fewer than 100 R only twice, and has hit under .300 only twice (.299 one of those years). Oh, and his career OPS is 1.022. Let's look at his career averages over the last 12 years. 

154 games, 576 AB, 115 R, 39.6 HR, 119 RBI, 7.7 SB, .325 AVG, 1.022 OPS.

This should be a no-brainer, right? 

The only negative things about Pujols for this season (for my fantasy team) are that he's a 1st round keeper, and although the Yahoo O-Ranks aren't out at the time of this post, all signs point to him being ranked in the top 10 again. It's not that I don't think his numbers are 1st round worthy, because they are; it's the fact that I have this other guy that I picked up cheap last year who will be a whole lot more expensive next year.

The case for Bautista.  

Jose Bautista is a much different kind of player than Pujols. He is not he poster boy for health and consistency. In fact, Bautista didn't become a notable fantasy player until his breakout 2010 season. But since then, however, this guy has been an absolute beast in HR, RBI, R, and OPS. Here are his numbers the last three seasons. 

2010: 161 games, 569 AB, 109 R, 54 HR, 124 RBI, 9 SB, .260 AVG, .995 OPS. 
2011: 149 games, 513 AB, 105 R, 43 HR, 103 RBI, 9 SB, .302 AVG, 1.055 OPS. 
2012: 92 games, 332 AB, 64 R, 27 HR, 65 RBI, 5 SB, .241 AVG, .885 OPS. 

As you can see, when healthy, Bautista's power numbers are unmatched in the MLB. I would say that he has a higher upside than Pujols at this stage in his career. Pujols has had 2 subpar seasons for his standard over the last two seasons, while Bautsita has gotten better with age. But, after an injury shortened year and the fact that he's only a year younger than Pujols, should we still be looking at Bautista's upside, or his floor? If you're looking at floor, Pujols is probably the safest pick in the game while Bautista is on the more dangerous side. Another thing to consider for my fantasy purposes is the draft value. Like I mention before, Pujols is most likely a 1st rounder for the foreseeable future and he does not play a position of scarcity. On the other hand, I've seen Bautista's early rankings in the 15-20 range. For me, that means Bautista is a 1st rounder this year, but next year he could potentially fall into the 3rd round, which would be ideal. Since I have Trout and Stanton (two guys whose draft stocks rise every year), keeping Bautista over Pujols could mean that for the next year or two, I can keep my power trio together. If I go with Pujols, I'd have to throw Bautista back, and then next year I'd have to throw either Pujols or Trout back, and I'm not really into the whole catch and release thing. 

So if you've stuck with me and read this entire post. I commend you. You really must not have much to do. What do you think I should do, besides get a life? 

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Monday, January 21, 2013

Blueprint for Miami in FA and the Draft

The Dolphins are embarking on what could be the most important offseason in franchise history. Here is what we’re dealing with: they have tons of cap room (upwards to 50 million according to some sources), a good prospect at quarterback, an entire coaching staff returning, several key in-house free agents, oh, and 5 picks in the first 3 rounds of the 2013 NFL draft.

Free Agency
First, let’s look at resigning the key in-house guys.

Jake Long. Let him walk unless he’s willing to re-sign at a reasonable price. Long was great during his first few seasons, but the last two years he has pretty much been league average at the position.

Reggie Bush. As much as I love watching Reggie make people miss on the field, running backs in the NFL are a dime a dozen these days. Yes, there are a few guys out there that are irreplaceable, but Bush is not one of them. Lamar Miller appears to have the skills that can replace Bush and Daniel Thomas can be a decent #2 guy on this team. Bush should be gone unless the Dolphins can get him cheap.

Brian Hartline. They’ve got to re-sign this guy. Hartline is a smooth route runner with above average hands. We all know he doesn’t have game changing speed, but he gets open often, and would be a solid #2 option on most teams.

Randy Starks. This guy is a beast, plain and simple. Starks is one of the main reasons the Dolphins were 13th against the run this year as he constantly overpowered opposing teams’ lines. And there is something to be said about keeping a solid veteran starter over bringing in another free agent or rookie.

Sean Smith. Good, but not great. Keep him as a #2 or #3 corner.

Everyone else. Chris Clemons should be re-signed. Fasano should also be retained as a #3 blocking tight end and red zone target. The rest of their free agents are all role players and need not be analyzed here. I’m focusing on the impact/starting caliber players only.  

Open Market Free Agency.

To avoid being redundant, let’s focus on areas of need instead of specific players to target.  

1. WR. There are some pretty darn good options out there. The Dolphins should go after one of the big three (Jennings, Wallace, Bowe). But if they swing and miss, they should consider someone like Danario Alexander. If they add any one of these guys and re-sign Hartline, the passing game will immediately improve.

2. CB. The Dolphins need a #1 corner. Sean Smith, Richard Marshall, and the other corners on the roster are nothing more than #2’s or 3’s. Free agents Grimes, Cox, or Rodgers-Cromartie would make a decent pairing with the aforementioned Dolphins corners.    

3.TE. Get a legit, pass-catching tight end. Period. These guys are a staple of successful offenses in the NFL (see NE, ATL, NO, DAL, etc.). The names being thrown around: Jared Cook, Fred Davis, Dustin Keller, and Martellus Bennet.

4. OL. The Dolphins have spent enough high picks in the draft on OL in the last 10 years. Let’s face it; this strategy hasn’t worked for them. If Long is not retained, there are guys out there who, at the minimum, can replace him at the league average level. Plus, Jonathan Martin has not reached his full potential and can be plugged in at LT. Let’s bring in a couple decently priced FA’s and call the OL good.

The Draft

If the Dolphins do everything I suggest leading up to the draft then all of their major needs will have been at addressed in some capacity. That means they will have the ability to draft some luxuries in the early rounds. This is how the rich get richer. Teams at the top of drafts normally draft lineman and quarterbacks mainly because their talent at these positions is inept. They try to build from the inside out. This is normally a good strategy, but it can take years to see the profits (see the 49ers under Nolan and Singletary).

Miami will not be one of these teams. The Dolphins’ lines are already built. They will enter the draft with a decent, young OL, a promising young QB, and a stacked front seven on defense. With the foundation already in place, they can focus their draft on game changing skill position players.

Wide Receivers. Either Keenan Allen or CordarrellePatterson should be taken in the first round. Both of these guys possess the size and speed necessary to make an impact from day one in the NFL. Plus, if Miami has already brought back Hartline and added one the big three FA wide-outs, then Patterson or Allen will not have the pressure to become a starter right away. Just imagine the Dolphins sporting Jennings, Wallace, or Bowe as their #1, Hartline as their #2, Bess as their slot guy, and either Allen or Patterson their 4th option. This would be a dynamic receiving core, resembling that of the Green Bay Packers.  

Other later targets: Tavon Austin or Ryan Swope. The Dolphins should get Allen/Patterson and one these two. Why not double down on WR?

Cornerbacks. As much as I’d like to see Miami get Millner, I don’t see him falling to 12, and wide receiver should be their top target regardless of how many mock drafters suggest them getting a defensive player. Guys like Johnthan Banks, Leon Mcfadden, and Desmond Trufant will most likely be available when Miami picks its second  2nd rounder. 

Tight End. Let’s grab either Ertz or Eifert and be done with it. Maybe one of these guys will fall to Miami in the 2nd round.

The rest. Miami should grab a late round o-lineman, linebacker, and safety, but these are not dire needs. A late round QB would be a smart option as well. An NFL team should never be complacent with its QB situation.


If the Dolphins re-sign key players such as Hartline, Bush, Starks, Smith, Long (at a reduced rate), and their role players, then they will be able to add dynamic, game-changing type players though free agency and the draft. If they don’t re-sign these key in-house guys, then we will most likely see yet another year of signing and drafting interior lineman, which, in my opinion, will not get Miami over the hump next year. Miami has all the right ingredients and resources to make the leap to contender status as early as next season. Let’s hope they use them well.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Fuck you Baltimore

Here comes Cameron Wake, you little bitch Flacco. You're going to get a fear boner when you see him coming off the edge.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Well shit, that's that

I guess you Giants fans are going to get your first World Series title. I can't wait to hear about the talk of a "Dynasty" that's immediately going to pop up on KNBR and around the High School after they put Texas out of their misery. Never mind, I'm not going to listen to KNBR anymore.

Congrats, motherfuckers.