God to Christian Mingle, "You Fucked Up."

A California man, Sean Banks, has been arrested after allegedly raping a woman he met on the popular dating site ChristianMingle.com. Banks used the screen name "Rarity," and apparently had other handles on the site. The unidentified woman was drawn to the site for obvious reasons, one being its slogan, "Find God's Match For You."

Alleged Rapist, Sean Banks

Upon hearing this news, God released this statement:

"I have no affiliation with ChristianMingle.com. Actually, I'm pretty fucking pissed off about the whole thing to begin with. To think that I'm up here fucking matchmaking a bunch of losers is absurd, and downright fraudulent on their part if you ask me. You think I don't have better shit to do than make sure fucking Bob from Sarasota finds his lifelong partner Jenny, from Marin. Fuck man, I'm dealing with, oh I don't know, fucking global warming, rapist priests (and I'm about to rain some shit on those motherfuckers), and that God damn blackout during the Super Bowl (that shit better not happen again). Now I gotta deal with these assholes from ChristianMingle."

God then directed his statement directly at ChristianMingle:

"You guys fucked up, not me!"

Ted Connely, a spokesperson from ChristianMingle, had this to say:

"Although there is a long history of rape and oppression in our religion, we, by no means, endorse this kind of behavior on our site. We will work diligently, with the help of God, to fix this situation. And who knows, maybe this is all just part of his master plan."

It will be interesting to see how the general public reacts to the comments made by ChristianMingle. Can they really find God's match for you?

The Albert Pujols vs. Jose Bautista Keeper Dilemma

My long standing fantasy baseball league "The Hunt For October," should be starting up again this week (I'm hoping it's today). Last season was a great year for the Knaves (ME), in which they posted a 15-3-4 record (Best win % in our 6 year history), won the regular season, and became the first 2-time league champ (1st title came in our inaugural season). Now, the Knaves are looking to become the first back-to-back champ. However, they have a bit of a keeper dilemma.

The way our keeper system works is pretty simple. We base our rankings on Yahoo's "O-Rank." What's unique, though, is that we delay them one season. For example, in 2012, Albert Pujols was ranked as the #3 overall player in the game. Because he is ranked in the top 10, this means he has to be kept in the first round this season. In other words, you must keep the player based on the previous year's ranking. Pretty simple. Also, there are no limits to how long a player can be kept. 

So here is my dilemma. I have both Pujols and Bautista on my roster from last season. Both are 1st round keepers this year. I only have one 1st round pick. For the record, this is a 10 team, 5x5, using OPS instead of AVG.  

The case for Pujols.

For one thing, Pujols' consistency is unparalleled over the last 10+ seasons. In his career (12 seasons), he has never hit fewer than 30 HR, he has had fewer than 100 RBI once (99 last year), he has had fewer than 100 R only twice, and has hit under .300 only twice (.299 one of those years). Oh, and his career OPS is 1.022. Let's look at his career averages over the last 12 years. 

154 games, 576 AB, 115 R, 39.6 HR, 119 RBI, 7.7 SB, .325 AVG, 1.022 OPS.

This should be a no-brainer, right? 

The only negative things about Pujols for this season (for my fantasy team) are that he's a 1st round keeper, and although the Yahoo O-Ranks aren't out at the time of this post, all signs point to him being ranked in the top 10 again. It's not that I don't think his numbers are 1st round worthy, because they are; it's the fact that I have this other guy that I picked up cheap last year who will be a whole lot more expensive next year.

The case for Bautista.  

Jose Bautista is a much different kind of player than Pujols. He is not he poster boy for health and consistency. In fact, Bautista didn't become a notable fantasy player until his breakout 2010 season. But since then, however, this guy has been an absolute beast in HR, RBI, R, and OPS. Here are his numbers the last three seasons. 

2010: 161 games, 569 AB, 109 R, 54 HR, 124 RBI, 9 SB, .260 AVG, .995 OPS. 

2011: 149 games, 513 AB, 105 R, 43 HR, 103 RBI, 9 SB, .302 AVG, 1.055 OPS. 

2012: 92 games, 332 AB, 64 R, 27 HR, 65 RBI, 5 SB, .241 AVG, .885 OPS. 

As you can see, when healthy, Bautista's power numbers are unmatched in the MLB. I would say that he has a higher upside than Pujols at this stage in his career. Pujols has had 2 subpar seasons for his standard over the last two seasons, while Bautsita has gotten better with age. But, after an injury shortened year and the fact that he's only a year younger than Pujols, should we still be looking at Bautista's upside, or his floor? If you're looking at floor, Pujols is probably the safest pick in the game while Bautista is on the more dangerous side. Another thing to consider for my fantasy purposes is the draft value. Like I mention before, Pujols is most likely a 1st rounder for the foreseeable future and he does not play a position of scarcity. On the other hand, I've seen Bautista's early rankings in the 15-20 range. For me, that means Bautista is a 1st rounder this year, but next year he could potentially fall into the 3rd round, which would be ideal. Since I have Trout and Stanton (two guys whose draft stocks rise every year), keeping Bautista over Pujols could mean that for the next year or two, I can keep my power trio together. If I go with Pujols, I'd have to throw Bautista back, and then next year I'd have to throw either Pujols or Trout back, and I'm not really into the whole catch and release thing. 

So if you've stuck with me and read this entire post. I commend you. You really must not have much to do. What do you think I should do, besides get a life? 

Alex Sad

Blueprint for Miami in FA and the Draft

The Dolphins are embarking on what could be the most important offseason in franchise history. Here is what we’re dealing with: they have tons of cap room (upwards to 50 million according to some sources), a good prospect at quarterback, an entire coaching staff returning, several key in-house free agents, oh, and 5 picks in the first 3 rounds of the 2013 NFL draft.

Free Agency

First, let’s look at resigning the key in-house guys.

Jake Long. Let him walk unless he’s willing to re-sign at a reasonable price. Long was great during his first few seasons, but the last two years he has pretty much been league average at the position.

Reggie Bush. As much as I love watching Reggie make people miss on the field, running backs in the NFL are a dime a dozen these days. Yes, there are a few guys out there that are irreplaceable, but Bush is not one of them. Lamar Miller appears to have the skills that can replace Bush and Daniel Thomas can be a decent #2 guy on this team. Bush should be gone unless the Dolphins can get him cheap.

Brian Hartline. They’ve got to re-sign this guy. Hartline is a smooth route runner with above average hands. We all know he doesn’t have game changing speed, but he gets open often, and would be a solid #2 option on most teams.

Randy Starks. This guy is a beast, plain and simple. Starks is one of the main reasons the Dolphins were 13^th against the run this year as he constantly overpowered opposing teams’ lines. And there is something to be said about keeping a solid veteran starter over bringing in another free agent or rookie.

Sean Smith. Good, but not great. Keep him as a #2 or #3 corner.

Everyone else. Chris Clemons should be re-signed. Fasano should also be retained as a #3 blocking tight end and red zone target. The rest of their free agents are all role players and need not be analyzed here. I’m focusing on the impact/starting caliber players only.  

Open Market Free Agency.

To avoid being redundant, let’s focus on areas of need instead of specific players to target.  

1. WR. There are some pretty darn good options out there. The Dolphins should go after one of the big three (Jennings, Wallace, Bowe). But if they swing and miss, they should consider someone like Danario Alexander. If they add any one of these guys and re-sign Hartline, the passing game will immediately improve.

2. CB. The Dolphins need a #1 corner. Sean Smith, Richard Marshall, and the other corners on the roster are nothing more than #2’s or 3’s. Free agents Grimes, Cox, or Rodgers-Cromartie would make a decent pairing with the aforementioned Dolphins corners.    

3.TE. Get a legit, pass-catching tight end. Period. These guys are a staple of successful offenses in the NFL (see NE, ATL, NO, DAL, etc.). The names being thrown around: Jared Cook, Fred Davis, Dustin Keller, and Martellus Bennet.

4. OL. The Dolphins have spent enough high picks in the draft on OL in the last 10 years. Let’s face it; this strategy hasn’t worked for them. If Long is not retained, there are guys out there who, at the minimum, can replace him at the league average level. Plus, Jonathan Martin has not reached his full potential and can be plugged in at LT. Let’s bring in a couple decently priced FA’s and call the OL good.

The Draft

If the Dolphins do everything I suggest leading up to the draft then all of their major needs will have been at addressed in some capacity. That means they will have the ability to draft some luxuries in the early rounds. This is how the rich get richer. Teams at the top of drafts normally draft lineman and quarterbacks mainly because their talent at these positions is inept. They try to build from the inside out. This is normally a good strategy, but it can take years to see the profits (see the 49ers under Nolan and Singletary).

Miami will not be one of these teams. The Dolphins’ lines are already built. They will enter the draft with a decent, young OL, a promising young QB, and a stacked front seven on defense. With the foundation already in place, they can focus their draft on game changing skill position players.

Wide Receivers. Either Keenan Allen or CordarrellePatterson should be taken in the first round. Both of these guys possess the size and speed necessary to make an impact from day one in the NFL. Plus, if Miami has already brought back Hartline and added one the big three FA wide-outs, then Patterson or Allen will not have the pressure to become a starter right away. Just imagine the Dolphins sporting Jennings, Wallace, or Bowe as their #1, Hartline as their #2, Bess as their slot guy, and either Allen or Patterson their 4^th option. This would be a dynamic receiving core, resembling that of the Green Bay Packers.  

Other later targets: Tavon Austin or Ryan Swope. The Dolphins should get Allen/Patterson and one these two. Why not double down on WR?

Cornerbacks. As much as I’d like to see Miami get Millner, I don’t see him falling to 12, and wide receiver should be their top target regardless of how many mock drafters suggest them getting a defensive player. Guys like Johnthan Banks, Leon Mcfadden, and Desmond Trufant will most likely be available when Miami picks its second  2^nd rounder. 

Tight End. Let’s grab either Ertz or Eifert and be done with it. Maybe one of these guys will fall to Miami in the 2^nd round.

The rest. Miami should grab a late round o-lineman, linebacker, and safety, but these are not dire needs. A late round QB would be a smart option as well. An NFL team should never be complacent with its QB situation.

Conclusion

If the Dolphins re-sign key players such as Hartline, Bush, Starks, Smith, Long (at a reduced rate), and their role players, then they will be able to add dynamic, game-changing type players though free agency and the draft. If they don’t re-sign these key in-house guys, then we will most likely see yet another year of signing and drafting interior lineman, which, in my opinion, will not get Miami over the hump next year. Miami has all the right ingredients and resources to make the leap to contender status as early as next season. Let’s hope they use them well.

Brian Wilson on Lopez Tonight

Fuck you Baltimore

Here comes Cameron Wake, you little bitch Flacco. You're going to get a fear boner when you see him coming off the edge.

Well shit, that's that

I guess you Giants fans are going to get your first World Series title. I can't wait to hear about the talk of a "Dynasty" that's immediately going to pop up on KNBR and around the High School after they put Texas out of their misery. Never mind, I'm not going to listen to KNBR anymore.

Congrats, motherfuckers.

Brian Wilson of the SF Giants on Rome is Burning with Jim Rome - BETTER ...

This is not some bullshit Dodgers fan Jinx attempt, I seriously love this video and I now have a serious mancrush on Brian Wilson. I will not root for the Giants (naturally), but I will root for this fucking badass ninja!

ASHKON: DON'T STOP BELIEVING - GIANTS 2010 ANTHEM (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

Sorry to pour salt in the wounds, but this is too damn funny (From Yahoo! Sports)

Here's what we believe they're saying in the conversation pictured above...

---

Mike Singletary: Alex, congratulations.

Alex Smith: Coach, we're losing 24-10.

Singletary: Yeah, but that fumble was an all-timer. One of the worst individual plays in pro football history. Not merely bad, but funny-bad. It's your masterpiece.

Smith: Just tryin' to make plays, coach.

Singletary: NFL Films has spliced that thing into every blooper video they've ever produced, right between Pisarcik and Yepremian. Bleacher Report already ranked it on seven different top-10 lists. Todd Collins just texted me to say you're awful.

Smith: (Giggles, then composes self). Sorry, coach, but that Yepremian play is funny as [profane].

(High five)

Singletary: You're out of the game, Alex.

Smith: Coach, we're only down two scores! I can feel one of those binges coming, where I look like a totally legit quarterback for, like, nine minutes of game-time!

Singletary: For real? Because I've got David Carr(notes) standing over there, ready to go.

Smith: Dude, that's like picking between Thing One and Thing Two. You're not serious.

Singletary: (Makes mad face).

Smith: I dare you to put David Carr in this game.

Singletary: (Makes maddest-ever face)

Smith: They just punted, coach. There's still time. I can do this thing!

---

And you probably know the rest of the story.

Smith enters, briefly looks awesome, throws a pair of TD passes. But then, just when you're starting to believe, he tosses a game-ending interception inside the final minute. He finishes with 309 passing yards, three touchdowns, three turnovers, and his fifth loss in a five-week-old season.

Giants Win the West

After the Giants clinched the West yesterday, Tim Lincecum had this to say:

Clinch it Tonight!!!

Thanks Dan for awesome photo. Figured I’d share it with the 2 readers of this blog.

No previews this week

Sorry guys (like anyone besides me reads this shit), but I have no previews this week. You can blame Mary Shelley for this.

Week 3 Previews

Each week, hopefully, I will preview some of the key matchups in the NFL. I’m not going to break down all of them mainly because not all matchups are all that interesting. So if I didn’t pick your team don’t be sad; maybe they’ll make the cut next week. Oh, and you can almost guarantee I’ll be previewing the Dolphins each week because I am such a homer. This week I’m only previewing two games due to lack of time. Next week I should be able to deliver the goods.

Notable Sunday early Game: (Yeah I know, who gives a shit? Well, when I started writing this I was going to add 3 more, but then I realized I didn’t have the time. Plus, they are the local team. Sorry Raiders Fans, next week)
  @ 

Spread: 49ers-3  KC +3   Over/Under 36.5

This game should be interesting for a few reasons. Firstly, The Chiefs are one of the surprise 2-0 teams to start the year. Their 16-14 win over the Browns wasn’t much of a shocker, but that Monday night win over San Diego turned a few heads, and bounced one of my picks in a Last Man Standing league, assholes. Anyway, The Chiefs run game looks strong with the addition of Thomas Jones and the emergence of Jamaal Charles. If you play fantasy, you already knew about this though. The KC pass attack hasn’t looked all that good and I think that trend continues this week against the 49ers.

Now onto the 49ers, givers of football games. It seems like whenever I watch these guys play, they always find away to lose. Much like the Dolphins in their 1-15 season, or the Lions in their 0-16 season. Now I’m not saying the Niners are as bad as those teams were, but they certainly have that same giveaway mentality and that is disheartening for a potential playoff contender (So we were told, thanks ESPN), and it seems to happen every year since Garcia left this team. The Niners did however, look pretty good against the Saints on Monday night. Frank Gore was all over the field and Alex Smith didn’t look too bad if you can forget about the first quarter. But this team needs to learn how to finish a game without shooting itself in the foot, or genitals.

The 49ers are the better team here despite the 0-2 record. Offensively, they need to do exactly what they did vs. the Saints, run the shit out of the ball. If they do that and A. Smith doesn’t give the ball away, they should handle this Chiefs team. Personally, I just want to see Patrick Willis vs. Chiefs running backs. P. Willis is a monster and should be laying some wood down on these ball carriers. Niners should have the edge in this one, but you never know with these guys.


Sunday Night Game:

       @        

Spread:  MIA –1  NYJ+1      Over/Under 36

The Jets and Dolphins never fail to entertain when they go head to head. There have been many memorable games over the years. I’ll focus the recent trends though. The Fins have won 3 straight against the Jets. It has actually been 2 calendar years since the Jets have beaten the Fins (Brett Farve Era), and there is nothing telling me that trend will change come Sunday night.

Both teams are coming off of very impressive wins. The Jets shut down Brady and Co, while the Dolph’s gave ESPN a week’s worth of Farve material by raping him of his youth, or was it more of an exploitation of his age? Either way, both teams looked pretty good last week. Fins fans should be a little concerned in the lack of aggressiveness in their passing game. They have only tried to go deep 3 times in two weeks, showing little confidence in their young QB. I’d like to see them let Henne loose a little bit more; it may even open up the run game. 

A matchup to keep your eye on: Brandon Marshall vs. Antonio Chromartie. These two have met on many occasions while they were both in the AFC West. Marshall has done pretty well against Chromo, but hasn’t had any huge days yet. He did have a monster 18 catch game against the Chargers but only matched up with Chromo times for 5 catches. Since Edwards will be limited due to DWI, it’s hard to say who he’ll be lined up with. It will most likely be Vontae Davis, who has had two great performances so far. So that will be a good one to watch as well. Another thing to watch is how both defensive fronts handle the run game. These teams are very similar in the way that they love to pound the ball, among other things. Ronnie and Ricky have had early success this year. They always seem to step it up when it comes to the Jets. In the last prime time game between these two teams, the power duo combined for 228 total yards and 2 td’s. Meanwhile, the Jets duo doesn’t look to shabby either. LT looks to be running with something to prove (I did hear accusations of a small penis) and Shonn Greene is a promising young back. This game will certainly be a fun one to watch.

Conan, what is best in life?

Week 2 Picks

PACKERS (-13) over Bills
Oh Ryan Grant. What is it with my early round draft picks and injuries? Those of you who are part of our fantasy football clusterfuck will remember that I drafted Tom Brady in the first round the year Bernard Pollard smashed Brady's knee like it was hitting on Pollard's wife. Still, the Bills are pretty terrible (even though they somehow managed to hang in there with the Dolphins last week) and I don't think losing a starting running back is as important to the Packers as it is to, I don't know, say MY FANTASY TEAM!


VIKINGS(-5.5)over Dolphins
If this game were in Miami, with co-owners J-Lo and Marc Antony in attendance, I'd probably pick my team. However, this is on the road, and while I think the Dolphins will hang in there, I see them losing by 7-10 points. The Dolphins' offense strength is their running game, which happens to be Minny's defensive strength. This just doesn't seem like a good match-up and to top it off, if the Vikes lose, that'll be three in a row going back to the NFC championship game. I can't imagine that happening, even though Brett Favre looked like Brett Michaels against the Saints defense.


FALCONS (-6.5) over Cards
Ah, yet another real-life team that is screwing with my fantasy team. Bennie Wells looked like a great pick in the third round as he was poised to "break out" this year. Mmm Hmm. He's injured, plus they like Hightower catching passes out of the backfield, so now he looks like a massive reach in the third round. Anyway, the Falcons hung in tough with the tough Pitt defense on the road and nearly pulled out a victory. That Cards/Rams game was a pretty convincing argument that the Cards are not good. In fact, it's hard to figure out who the "good team" is going to be from the NFC West. I feel bad for Larry Fitz, and all the people who drafted him too early in their fantasy draft. Derek Anderson can't hit the broadside of Tony Siragusa.

Ravens(-2.5) over BENGALS
I really dislike the Bengals. When are we going to admit that the Carson Palmer ship set sail when he knee was destroyed in their first round playoff lose a couple of years ago? He looked bad against the Pats in week one, and he's supposed to have all these weapons. His stats are actually misleading because he got a bunch of his yards in garbage time, just like Ochocinco. Mr. Chad was pretty good on "The League" season premiere, but no doubt not as good as he thought he was. Taco still rules.

Chiefs (+2) over BROWNS
How about them Chiefs? They looked feisty on Monday Night, and they are starting to have the look of a team that could sneak up and take a weak division with a 9-7 finish. They have weapons and I still think Matt Cassell may be a serviceable NFL QB. With JaAmal Charles running the ball, Cassell will have less pressure on him to make big plays. Their defense looked pretty solid, and their special teams changed the complexion of the Chargers game. I'm probably overreacting to that performance, but I think they're going undefeated this year.

By the way, Cleveland, I'm sorry. I don't know what you did, but the sport's world hates you.


Bears (+7.5) over COWBOYS
The Cowboys are not good. They haven't been in years. Over the past ten years, they are 82-78, yet they are always in the top five teams favored to go to the Super Bowl. They're woefully overrated, and even though Romo puts up big Fantasy numbers (usually) he still seems to have trouble in the big moments. The Cowboys may win this game, but I think it'll be by a field goal, not by a TD plus a field goal. Hence, we go with the Bears here, even though it's very possible Jay Cutler doesn't really know what team he plays for and just throws it to whoever is open, regardless of jersey color.

TITANS (-5) over Steelers
Chris Johnson seemed to justify his spot as number one pick in nearly every fantasy draft by busting a big run and going over a hundred yards easily. What's that? They were playing the Raiders? Hmm...though that gives me pause, it seems that the Vince Young/CJ2K combo is going to be driving defenses crazy for the rest of the year. These teams have a pretty interesting history (remember when the Titans disrespected the Steelers extremely high-class accessory - a dirty yellow towel?), but the Titans seem to have the upperhand right now, unless Jeff Fisher decides that Vince Young should throw the ball 39 times in this game. He won't do that. He's not Andy Reid.


PANTHERS (-3.5) over Bucs
Ugh. The NFC south is almost as disgusting as the NFC west, except they happen to have the super bowl champ. I think the Panthers will control the game with their running game and bubble screens to Steve Smith. At least that's what would happen if Steve Alavi replaced John Fox as coach for the week.

Eagles (-6.5) over LIONS
Good God, as someone who loves dogs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael Vick looked really good against the Packers last week, who happened to be 2009's top defense. The poor, poor Lions were clearly robbed by a shitty, shitty, rule against the Bears, but come on Calvin Johnson! You're a freak of nature! You have the skills to be a hall of fame receiver. I know it sucks being on the Lions, but always remember that you are on the Lions! Don't casually drop the ball on the ground after you catch a touchdown pass. I can't imagine what it's like to root for Detroit. I guess it's like the year the Dolphins went 1-15, but over and over again, like "Groundhog Day."


BRONCOS (-3.5) over Seahawks
Broncos at home are a different beast than on the road. Also, I have the sneaking suspicion that the Seahawks played way over their heads last week and are destined to come back down to earth this week. A very possible scenario involves the 49ers blowing out the Seahawks when they play in San Fran. Man, the NFC WEST!

RAIDERS (-3.5) over Rams
The Raiders looked just as bad as we thought they would, and maybe even worse against the Titans. Still, I can't think of a single reason I would take the Rams on the road. Maybe if the Raiders were giving a touchdown, I'd think about it, but with the line at 3.5, I think the smart play is to go with the Raiders. Is Jason Campbell any good? This year is his last chance to prove that he can be a starting QB in the NFL. After this, he's doomed to back up status for the remainder of his career, and possibly in the afterlife, if they have football in Raider heaven. Did I mention one of my wife's best friends is a Raiderette?

Jaguars (+7) over CHARGERS
I hate Philip Rivers. For a while I thought he was a fiery competitor, but now I just think he's a petulant brat. I think the Jaguars might be a kind of o.k. team, and considering that the Chargers struggle early in the season, I'm taking the points. I don't think the line should be this high.

REDSKINS (+3) over Texans
Classic opportunity for a letdown game following the big win versus the Colts for the Texans. We've yet to seen how they respond to such success, and the Redskins were able to spoil the Cowboys first game. Yes, I said the Cowboys were bad, but the Redskins have all this weird potential and energy swirling around them. McNabb is still a great QB, and I'm still afraid to pick Schaub on the road against a good team (yes, I think the Redskins are pretty good.) And without Foster's 573 rushing yards (there's no way he's doing that again this week), the Texans are going to get into a shoot out with the Skin's and their secondary didn't look particularly good giving up over 400 yards to Peyton last week.


COLTS (-5) over Giants
Really? The Giants are favored by five over the super bowl runner up? The Colts don't do this. Just like the Vikes, it's hard to imagine them losing three games in a row. And while the Giants seems to be a solid team, Eli's three INTs last week do not bode well for the Giants offense. I think big brother beats little brother this week.

Pats (-3) over JETS
Was it ever sweet to see the Jets fail against the Ravens on Monday Night Football. The Jets talk a lot, Rex Ryan talks a lot and eats a lot and cusses a lot, but it remains to be seen if he can coach a lot. If one team talks that much smack, and loses, it just makes them seem all the more pathetic. The Pats never talk. They just play and win. Fuck the Jets.


Saints (-5) over NINERS
I don't have to explain this.

Last week: 9-6-1
Season: 9-6-1

The New York Hype Train Has Brakes

 

The Jets and Ravens squared off on Monday night in what most considered would be a low scoring rape fest, littered with big hits and big mouths (Rex Ryan). Most football fans were not disappointed (Except Jets fans). I certainly wasn't. The Jets offense looked terrible and incompetent. They were horrible on third down and played exactly the way I and many many more people thought they would. Shitty.

On the other hand, the Ravens didn't look so hot on offense either, but at least they had some promising passing plays, which leads one to believe good things are on their way for this team. Oh yeah, and they have Ray Lewis, the original conductor of the Rape Train; which as you know, has no breaks. They also got a steal in Houshmanzadeh and Boldin looked good too. The Ravens and Jets are essentially the same team, it's just that Flacco and company look a bit better on the offensive side and they kill people. Anyway, it's nice to the Jets with all their talk, at 0-1 to start the year. Looking ahead they have NE next week and then they go to Miami in week 3 for a Sunday night show down!

Week One Picks (Made on Wednesday)

SAINTS (-5) over Vikings

This season should be a good one for me for the following two reasons:
1) The Packers look great. Experts and casual fans alike are fawning over their exceptional preseason, and who can blame them? They’re putting up a lot of points, they had the top-ranked defense last year, and Aaron Rodgers is the next elite QB – that is if you don’t already think he is an elite QB. I think that anyone who watches football at my house this year will hear a lot of screams of joy from my wife. That sounded weird.

2) The Vikings look terrible. Aside from the unfortunate Sidney Rice injury, Favre is a year older with a bum ankle, and they only have three CBs. This is something that most teams would consider to be a problem. Will they run the ball and stop the run? Certainly, but it takes more than that to win a division with the Packers in it. And Sarah hates the Vikings the way that I’m supposed to hate the Giants. She understands rivalry. She hates anything purple.
Anyway, I expect the Saints to put up 35 by half-time and then cruise to victory in the second half. I have a really bad feeling about this Vikings team, and that makes me happy.

Panthers (+7) over GIANTS
Man, I miss Jake Delhomme already, don’t you? I love watching a game with this question in the back of my mind: “How many interceptions does he have to throw before Fox benches him? 3? 6? 12? I honestly have no idea.” I’ll miss that. As for the actual pick, I’m not sold that the Giants are a top-tier team yet. They did fairly well last year, but I’m not sure where the improvement is going to come from. They have essentially the same core they had last year, and I have the feeling that Eli is about as good as he’s ever going to be. Tom Coughlin looks like Emperor Palpatine. Just sayin’.

Packers (-3) over EAGLES
Let me clear this up: I think the Eagles are going to be a good team (again) this year. I still like their defense and as long as Kolb can manage to NOT throw 4 interceptions a game, I think their running back committee should be able to keep them in a lot of games. Not this game though, and I’m a little shocked that the Packers are only a 3 point favorite, given the amount of preseason hype they’ve accumulated. It almost seems like the kiss of death to receive so much praise before the season even starts, but it’s not that far-fetched, considering that the Packers were very good last year and lost in one of the most entertaining and ridiculous playoff games in my memory.

Dolphins (-3) over BILLS
Who is on the Bills? Is their QB still J.P. Losman? Whatever happened to Beast Mode? Unless the Bills are the Padres of the NFL, I have no idea how they win more than four games this year. I guess the Padres’ secret weapon was their bullpen, but I have no clue as to what the Bills secret weapon might be. Playing their games in Canada? The loyal Bills crowd? Their mastermind coach? Never mind, I don’t even know who the fuck their coach is.

Falcons (-2) over STEELERS
The Falcons are certainly better than their record indicated last season. The Turner injury was the breaking point, but if you look at the way Jason Snelling ran the ball after Turner was out, you can see that the offense line is still there. It seems like they made a classic blunder with a second-year QB: They tried to turn Matt Ryan into Tom Brady overnight. I have no idea what Matt Ryan’s ceiling actually is, but were I the Falcons coach, I would limit his pass attempts and pound other teams with my running game. I would also have a mistress on the side.

BEARS (-6) over Lions
Look, I want the Lions to be good as much as the next guy, but I need to see something from them before I start picking against the grain. Yes, I know Jay Cutler is horrible and Matt Forte killed an untold number of fantasy teams last year (I almost picked him with the second pick in the draft last year…), but I still have to believe that the Bears can beat the Lions at home on opening day. I know it’s very possible that the Lions have some sort of turn around this year, but I’m not expecting more than six wins out of them, and I don’t think their resurrection starts week one.

PATRIOTS (-4.5) over Bengals
I can’t get over last year’s playoff loss to the Jets. I don’t remember the last time I saw a playoff team look so terrible in an actual playoff game. Actually, that’s a lie, because I remember the Dolphins loss to the Ravens. Moving on.

Colts (-2) over TEXANS
Same thing with the Lions – the Texans need to show me that they can win these sorts of games before I start picking them to beat the Colts. I think this will be a close game, but I ultimately see only two ways this game can end: With Peyton Manning engineering a masterful last minute drive, or with Matt Schaub choking in the final minutes. Let me put it this way: Schaub is a better fantasy QB than real-life QB, if you understand my meaning.

TITANS (-6) over Raiders
The Raiders are going to be better this year, but you can’t ignore the way the Titans finished their season. After they started V. Young, everything changed for them. The running game improved (somehow! It was already brilliant), their defense started to clamp down, and I’ll be damned if Jeff Fisher doesn’t know how to coach. Tom Cable? Not so sure yet. I hear he throws a mean right-hook though.

JAGS (-2.5) over Broncos
The first in a line of games I don’t really even want to think about. I guess I’ll go with the Jags because their at home, but that line is curious. They’re saying that the Broncos are .5 points better than the Jags. I say both teams are bad.

Browns (+2.5) over BUCS
Yes! Jake Delhomme! Again, two terrible teams, but won’t it be fantastic to see Delhomme without the aid of Steve Smith, DeAngelo or Jon Stewart? I can only hope that his fantasy numbers are in the negative by A LOT, say minus 17.5, with five interceptions, 4 sacks, two fumbles lost and broken tear ducts.

Niners (-3) over SEAHAWKS
O.K. Yes, the Niners look very good this year. I even heard one analyst say that the Dolphins were “The Niners of the AFC.” I thought this was curious because the Niners play in the easiest division in the NFL while the Dolphins play in the AFC east, with three potential playoff contenders. Alex Smith and Chad Henne are similar, right? How about Patrick Willis and Chaning Crowder? Mike Singletary and Tony Sparano? Singletary looks like a football coach while Sparano looks like the stereotypical heavy drinking, polish sausage-eating NFL fan.

Cardinals (-4) over RAMS
I hate this game. I don’t want to talk about it.

Ravens (+2.5) over JETS
I don’t understand this line. I know that the Jets made an improbable playoff run last year, and that their defense is feared, etc. However, just thinking about the two teams, don’t the Jets just seem like a lesser version of the Ravens? Flacco > Sanchez. Rice > Shonn Greene. Boldin > Braylon. I guess the sense in the NFL is that defense wins and since the Jets defense was so dominating next year, they’re just going to continue to do so. And maybe they will, but the Ravens seems like a better overall team, and their defense isn’t terrible either…

CHIEFS (+5) over Chargers
Let’s take the Chiefs at home and see what happens. There are so many questions surrounding the Chargers right now, I can’t figure them out. It’s like trying to look at one of those magic eye pictures at the mall. Can they stop the run? I don’t know, but I know that Jamaal Charles CAN run. (By the way, note to Jamaal’s parents: What the fuck is with that extra “a”? Seriously? Don’t do that anymore. Jesus Christ, NFL players have the largest number of made up sounding names in all sports. LaDainian? Jahvid? Jermichael? Carnell? Just stop already.)

REDSKINS (+3.5) over Cowboys
Fuck the Cowboys and hope for big games out of Cooley and Santana Moss.

I had to share this.

Awesome.

Lebron is a pussy (I just made this picture with Gimp)