Saturday, April 17, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Breaking News: Tiger Woods Accused of Beastiality While on Tour in Europe
Jodar, Spain. There has been another twist in the saga of Tiger Woods. Two people have come forward in recent days claiming that the feline Tiger Woods has been raping their goats.
One woman, who declined to be named for safety reasons, says she went out to the pasture to feed her flock when she interrupted Woods in mid-thrust. The woman screamed in horror and chased Woods off with a garden hoe. She has decided not to press charges against Woods, mostly due to lack of hard evidence. There were no other witnesses.
Andulacia Mtns, Spain. Javier Velasquez is just a simple goat farmer. He has a wife and three kids, all of whom work on the farm with him. One fateful night ( not long after the first incident), Javier went out to check on his horses, when he heard squealing coming from the barn. He pulled open the rickety old door, and witnessed an appalling scene. There was Tiger, wearing his red polo shirt and nothing else, going to town on a 250 lb Angora. Velasquez says he and Tiger made eye contact, but Tiger proved to be far too elusive, even with his pants around his ankles, to be apprehended. Velasquez’s goat, Jorge, is doing ok after the traumatizing event, but did need 16 stitches, which Javier did himself.
Tiger refused to comment on these allegations at his press conference during the recent Master’s PGA event, but his agent had this to say, “Any intercourse Tiger has ever had has been consensual.”
One woman, who declined to be named for safety reasons, says she went out to the pasture to feed her flock when she interrupted Woods in mid-thrust. The woman screamed in horror and chased Woods off with a garden hoe. She has decided not to press charges against Woods, mostly due to lack of hard evidence. There were no other witnesses.
Andulacia Mtns, Spain. Javier Velasquez is just a simple goat farmer. He has a wife and three kids, all of whom work on the farm with him. One fateful night ( not long after the first incident), Javier went out to check on his horses, when he heard squealing coming from the barn. He pulled open the rickety old door, and witnessed an appalling scene. There was Tiger, wearing his red polo shirt and nothing else, going to town on a 250 lb Angora. Velasquez says he and Tiger made eye contact, but Tiger proved to be far too elusive, even with his pants around his ankles, to be apprehended. Velasquez’s goat, Jorge, is doing ok after the traumatizing event, but did need 16 stitches, which Javier did himself.
Tiger refused to comment on these allegations at his press conference during the recent Master’s PGA event, but his agent had this to say, “Any intercourse Tiger has ever had has been consensual.”
The time has come...
So I started this blog about a month ago and have yet to post anything. Sometimes the garbage can gets full and needs to be taken out or better yet burried deep in a landfill. Only problem was it took me a good three years to figure this out. Oh well better luck next time....
Monday, April 12, 2010
14 Hour Giants Extravaganza
The day started at about 7:30 am with the sound of people shuffling around, preparing for a cold, rainy day at AT&T Park. I got up from my spot on the hard wood floor in the dining room, threw on my Tim Lincecum Cy Young t-shirt, (It was a give away at a Fresno Grizzlies game last year) and was ready to go.
As we traveled north on highway 101, the sky steadily became more and more ominous. Once we passed San Bruno, the rain began to fall, and didn’t let up until about 4:00 pm. Regardless of the rain, we remained optimistic that there would be a game; we just didn’t know when.
We reached San Francisco by 10:00 am, parked at a sleazy lot a few blocks north of the stadium, and began our wet, rain filled day. Luckily, one of the guys with us had ponchos, so we all were prepared for some rain. We cracked open some beers, and hung around in the rain for about an hour before heading into the ball park.
The field was drenched, infield covered, and the rain was relentless. We hung around the stadium until about 2 or 2:30, when we decided to wait out the delay at a nearby sports bar. By this time, we had been in the rain for about 4 hrs, and my shoes were wet with no prospect of drying out any time soon.
Every bar within two miles of the park was jam-packed. With the group becoming restless, we headed back to the parking lot to drink more beer and listen to the radio. The rain came down with force, and it was cold to boot, but we still stood out in the rain and drank, clinging to a slim hope that the game will be played.
Suddenly, around 4:00, the rain let up. About 15 minutes later, the staff at the park announced a projected 5:15 start time. We were all about to call it quits when we heard the announcement; I was preparing myself for some clean socks and some Super-T. We all pounded another beer and felt a second wind. I threw another jacket on to bring my layer count to 5.
First pitch was at 5:14 and the crowd was pumped. The Giants started off slow. Brian McCann hit a two-run dinger off Lincecum in the first, and the Giants didn’t get on base until the 4th inning. It was Pablo Sandoval’s two out triple in the 4th that got things going. Huff then came up and pushed a grounder through the gap between SS and 3B, to bring the Giants within 1. The next time through, it was Sandoval once again that got things going, hitting a single and was eventually driven in on a two-run single by DeRosa. Lincecum lasted 7 innings on 108 pitches while striking out 10, limiting the Braves to the 2 runs they got in the first.
The highlight of the night had to be Sandoval’s solo shot into right center field, although Matt Diaz’s error in the 8th caused quite a stir. It was a rough night for Diaz as he struck out to end the game. Immediately after the last pitch there was a sudden down pour. Talk about good timing. The final score of the game was 6-3 Giants.
Based on the length of the wait, the extremely miserable conditions, wet socks, stiff joints, and my wind burnt face, it’s hard to believe that this game was probably one of the best experiences I’ve had at a Giants game. We arrived home around 10 pm and it took about a whole 5 minutes for me to pass out.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Slugger Aaron Rowand Gets an Extra 15 Million For Running Into Wall
In the winter before the 2008 season, the Giants were looking for a spark. Ready to embark on the post-Bonds era, they were in need of a clubhouse leader and run producer. After scouring a weak free agent market, the Giants came across Aaron Rowand. Rowand was known around the league for being a good fielding, average hitting, piece of meat. Initial contract negotiations were slow, with the Giants offering Rowand a deal in the 5 yr, 45 million dollar range. A very modest sum. Rowand's camp declined for obvious reasons. Rowand was quoted, " Haven't they seen me dive into the wall? And my awesome stance?"
The Giants, being the more desperate side, decided to review some tape of Meat. Sabien and company were so enthralled by Rowand's intensity, and shear heart, they upped the offer another 15 million. The Giants were sure that Rowand would be yet another brilliant signing...
It's now 2010, year three of the Meat deal. Since his signing he has hit an average .263, with 28 dingers and averaged 67 RBI's. He is now slotted in the leadoff role, and has started the year 0-10 at the plate. Yes, it is early, but he has looked horrible at the dish so far. Looking back on the deal, it has become clear that Rowand's propensity to run himself into walls has been the basis for his extra fat contract. That said, it should at least be fun to watch Rowand squat at the plate, and run around in the outfield with no regard for his own well being.
Friday, April 2, 2010
The NBA has become Pro Wrestling
Once upon a time, long ago, in Santa Barbara, I had a wonderful experience that would prove to be formative moment in my development as a sports fan. Magic Johnson was in town, and he brought a whole team of ex-NBA stars to play an exhibition game for professional basketball deprived Santa Barbarians. It was a fantastic game - there were top college prospects and old pros trading baskets and increasingly difficult shots. The game came down to a final play. The details are fuzzy, but I remember the moment the game ended with absolute clarity. Magic made his patented hook shot with time running out. Interestingly, he made this shot from half court.
What really intrigued me, though, and what intrigues me to this day, is that there was no way that ball was going to careen off the edge of that basket. It was going in; there was no doubt about that. So, why didn't Magic take this half-court shot all the time? Clearly, he could make it often, with reasonable certainty. Wouldn't a half-court hook shot be an amazing weapon to have in your arsenal? Yet, that was the only time I saw Magic use this shot.
"No really, I NEVER make this shot. Pure luck"
This leads me to my current assertion. The NBA is fake. I love it. I love watching the current Lakers team, with the uber-clumsy but effective Pau Gasol toss in hook shots like it's the first time he's touched a basketball.
"I'm so big and sexy and Spanish"
But it's fake. I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this. So, "what's your proof that the NBA is fake?" you are probably asking me right now. Let me explain, like a Spaniard would.
1) Let us begin with the obvious: The refs are crooked. Most of us who have watched any amount of NBA games over the past few years knew this, so we weren't at all surprised by the Tim Donaghy adventure. If you watched the Spurs-Suns series last year, you knew something was rotten in the state of Arizona. Poor little white Canadian Steve Nash's bloody nose was one of the most pathetic sights in NBA history, and it was compounded by the fact that it was the result of yet another dirty ass play by the leagues dirtiest team, the San Antonio Spurs (more on their terrible "contributions" to the current state of the NBA later).
"Some body's going to do something about Robert Horry, right?"
2) Dunks. Why aren't there more of them? It's clear that most of these guys are tall enough and athletic enough to dunk on almost every play, yet they are a relative rarity. Sometimes, you'll see a player dunk with little or no effort, and then on the next play, this same exactly player will miss an awkward two-foot hook shot. This makes no sense. It's almost like David Stern has one of those collars from the beginning of The Running Man around every NBA player's neck. If you dunk too often - POP! There goes your head. And all your endorsements.
"I don't have to jump to dunk, but it looks more realistic when I do"
3) Free Throws. This one boggles the mind. How do professional basketball players ever average less than 80% on free throws. They're free. Any kid can spend a few months shooting baskets outside his house and get up to 80% on his free throw percentage. That's why I am absolutely dumbfounded when players like Shaq struggle their entire careers to get over 50%. You are telling me that Chipper Jones is batting .400 and yet there are professional basketball players that can't make 4 out of 10 free throws? Nonsense.
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"If you can't make free throws, you deserve to lose at life"
4) Exaggerated Arguing/Flopping/Fouling. I had to combine these all into one category, but I think everyone knows what I mean. Sarah can't stand basketball because, in her words "THEY ARE ALL A BUNCH OF WHINY PUSSIES!" (Sarah is a Packers fan. In her eyes, basketball players are primadonas who couldn't hold Brett Farve's jockstrap.) So, this is where the Spurs come in. Have you ever seen Tim Duncan's eyes when he's called for a foul? They are practically lunar. Have you ever seen Bruce Bowen or Manu Ginobili flop to the ground for no apparent reason other than they just got burned on their defensive assignment? (If your answer is no, just watch a Spurs game for more than three minutes) And then there's my favorite - The Mystery Foul. No one knows why it was called. There weren't any players even close to the ball. The other team just got mugged on the other end of the court. Yet, there's that whistle. No rhyme or reason - almost as if the refs are working on commission, and need to call one more foul so they can buy that jet ski they've had their eyes on.
5) Travelling. It happens on every play. Also randomly called at times.
"Hey refs! Do this more often!"
6) The dagger in the heart of the legitimacy of the NBA is the Harlem Globetrotters. Have you seen what they can do to the Washington Generals? I say put them in the NBA, and they'll win all 82 games. Kobe ain't got nothing on Reece "Goose" Tatum.
What really intrigued me, though, and what intrigues me to this day, is that there was no way that ball was going to careen off the edge of that basket. It was going in; there was no doubt about that. So, why didn't Magic take this half-court shot all the time? Clearly, he could make it often, with reasonable certainty. Wouldn't a half-court hook shot be an amazing weapon to have in your arsenal? Yet, that was the only time I saw Magic use this shot.
"No really, I NEVER make this shot. Pure luck"
This leads me to my current assertion. The NBA is fake. I love it. I love watching the current Lakers team, with the uber-clumsy but effective Pau Gasol toss in hook shots like it's the first time he's touched a basketball.
"I'm so big and sexy and Spanish"
But it's fake. I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this. So, "what's your proof that the NBA is fake?" you are probably asking me right now. Let me explain, like a Spaniard would.
1) Let us begin with the obvious: The refs are crooked. Most of us who have watched any amount of NBA games over the past few years knew this, so we weren't at all surprised by the Tim Donaghy adventure. If you watched the Spurs-Suns series last year, you knew something was rotten in the state of Arizona. Poor little white Canadian Steve Nash's bloody nose was one of the most pathetic sights in NBA history, and it was compounded by the fact that it was the result of yet another dirty ass play by the leagues dirtiest team, the San Antonio Spurs (more on their terrible "contributions" to the current state of the NBA later).
"Some body's going to do something about Robert Horry, right?"
2) Dunks. Why aren't there more of them? It's clear that most of these guys are tall enough and athletic enough to dunk on almost every play, yet they are a relative rarity. Sometimes, you'll see a player dunk with little or no effort, and then on the next play, this same exactly player will miss an awkward two-foot hook shot. This makes no sense. It's almost like David Stern has one of those collars from the beginning of The Running Man around every NBA player's neck. If you dunk too often - POP! There goes your head. And all your endorsements.
"I don't have to jump to dunk, but it looks more realistic when I do"
3) Free Throws. This one boggles the mind. How do professional basketball players ever average less than 80% on free throws. They're free. Any kid can spend a few months shooting baskets outside his house and get up to 80% on his free throw percentage. That's why I am absolutely dumbfounded when players like Shaq struggle their entire careers to get over 50%. You are telling me that Chipper Jones is batting .400 and yet there are professional basketball players that can't make 4 out of 10 free throws? Nonsense.
"If you can't make free throws, you deserve to lose at life"
4) Exaggerated Arguing/Flopping/Fouling. I had to combine these all into one category, but I think everyone knows what I mean. Sarah can't stand basketball because, in her words "THEY ARE ALL A BUNCH OF WHINY PUSSIES!" (Sarah is a Packers fan. In her eyes, basketball players are primadonas who couldn't hold Brett Farve's jockstrap.) So, this is where the Spurs come in. Have you ever seen Tim Duncan's eyes when he's called for a foul? They are practically lunar. Have you ever seen Bruce Bowen or Manu Ginobili flop to the ground for no apparent reason other than they just got burned on their defensive assignment? (If your answer is no, just watch a Spurs game for more than three minutes) And then there's my favorite - The Mystery Foul. No one knows why it was called. There weren't any players even close to the ball. The other team just got mugged on the other end of the court. Yet, there's that whistle. No rhyme or reason - almost as if the refs are working on commission, and need to call one more foul so they can buy that jet ski they've had their eyes on.
5) Travelling. It happens on every play. Also randomly called at times.
"Hey refs! Do this more often!"
6) The dagger in the heart of the legitimacy of the NBA is the Harlem Globetrotters. Have you seen what they can do to the Washington Generals? I say put them in the NBA, and they'll win all 82 games. Kobe ain't got nothing on Reece "Goose" Tatum.
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