Jodar, Spain. There has been another twist in the saga of Tiger Woods. Two people have come forward in recent days claiming that the feline Tiger Woods has been raping their goats.
One woman, who declined to be named for safety reasons, says she went out to the pasture to feed her flock when she interrupted Woods in mid-thrust. The woman screamed in horror and chased Woods off with a garden hoe. She has decided not to press charges against Woods, mostly due to lack of hard evidence. There were no other witnesses.
Andulacia Mtns, Spain. Javier Velasquez is just a simple goat farmer. He has a wife and three kids, all of whom work on the farm with him. One fateful night ( not long after the first incident), Javier went out to check on his horses, when he heard squealing coming from the barn. He pulled open the rickety old door, and witnessed an appalling scene. There was Tiger, wearing his red polo shirt and nothing else, going to town on a 250 lb Angora. Velasquez says he and Tiger made eye contact, but Tiger proved to be far too elusive, even with his pants around his ankles, to be apprehended. Velasquez’s goat, Jorge, is doing ok after the traumatizing event, but did need 16 stitches, which Javier did himself.
Tiger refused to comment on these allegations at his press conference during the recent Master’s PGA event, but his agent had this to say, “Any intercourse Tiger has ever had has been consensual.”